Television.
Or as humans say: TV.
Ah, yes: TV!
I never expected
it to be so compelling. At first I thought it would only
be useful. I would watch the behavior of the humans on the flat,
square screen and listen to them speak.
When I was in human morph, I need
to be able to seem entirely human.
But it is so
much more than merely useful. It is a window into the
human soul. Technologically it
is laughable, of course, but when you take
into account the stunning array
of programs, it rivals the cinnamon bun
itself as the finest creation of
human society.
Tobias, too,
enjoys TV. He comes every day to watch a show with me.
It is called The Young and the Restless. It is very educational,
though I remain confused as to the
cause of so much restlessness.
TV allows me
to observe much more human behavior than I see at the
mall. I am still wondering why humans put there mouths together.
And why they seem to enjoy it. My first
thought was that they were
transferring food. But that seems
not to be the case.
<Look, Tobias!
Victor and Nikki are doing that thing again!> I pointed
at the screen. <They do this very often.>
<Uh-huh.>
His hawk eyes were trained on the little screen as Victor
tightened his arms around Nikki. <It's called kissing, Ax-man. Just
like yesterday. And the day before.
Kissing. Everyone does it. Of course, you
need lips.>
<I know what
it is called. And the role of lips is self-evident. I simply
do not know why it is performed.>
<Ah, well>
Tobias rearranged his wings noisily. <It's definitely got
a purpose. by the way, Marco's heading
this way.>
<Yes, I know,>
I said. <I saw him two minutes ago, although he is trying
not to be seen.>
<I heard
him three minutes ago and saw him four minutes ago,> Tobias
said.
Tobias is competitive
when it comes to his senses. His hearing and
sight are both better than mine. But I am able to look in all directions
simultaneously, something he cannot
do.
<You did
not,> I said.
<Did so,>
Tobias countered.
"Nothing like
the joys of daytime TV, huh?" Marco said, stomping up
through the underbrush.
<Did not,>
I said to Tobias.
Marco grinned
at me. "Snuck up on you, didn't I?"
<Yeah, right,
Marco,> Tobias said tolerantly.
Marco laughed.
He knew he had not surprised us. His claim to have
snuck up on us was human humor. It is inexplicable, and Andalite
readers should simply resign themselves
to never understanding.
<And by the
way, why are you not in school young man?>
"Hey, I can't
be controlled by 'the man's' arbitrary schedules. I come
and go as I please. I am free. No one holds me down."
<Teacher
conference?> Tobias said.
"Yeah, they
let us out early. So. What's on the tube? Is this... Whoa!
Who's that? And does she always walk around wearing a towel?"
<Well, I'm
hungry. I gotta go find a mouse. See you, Ax-man. Later,
Marco> Tobias said, and then he spread his wings and he was
gone.
"Watching a
soap, huh?" Marco said, nodding his head.
<Soap?> I
was confused. <No. This show is about humans who are
both young and restless.>
Marco sighed. "Whatever you call
it, it basically reeks, you know. I
think it's time I introduced you to some better programming, Ax. Buffy.
Party of Five, maybe. Cops. South Park.
Something, anything is better than
this. Although, she is hot."
<Yes, she
is hot. This is why she often wears less artificial skin.>
"Yeah, well,
I think you may have your cause and effect turned around
there. Hey, you know what you need? A TV Guide."
I bristled.
<I understand how to operate the TV. Human technology
is->
"Take it easy!"
Marco held up his hands. "Everything with you has got
to be literal. TV Guide is a little book that tells you what shows are
on, and when. Come on, I'm bored. Let's
cruise."
The notion of
a guide to all that TV had to offer was attractive. But I
would have to morph my human form to go into the town.
<Perhaps
we could obtain cinnamon buns as well,> I suggested.
"Why not? Maybe
we'll run into Jake at the mall. He can buy."
Every morph
is a surprise. The last time I morphed to human, my own
more or less humanoid part, my head and arms, changed last. This
time they were first.
I felt teeth
growing beneath my lower face. In fact, my entire human
mouth, consisting of a hinged jaw, teeth, tongue, and saliva-producing
glands, was fully formed before lips appeared.
Lips form an
open hole in the bottom third of a human face. The hole
is used for eating and for forming mouth sounds. As well as kissing,
spitting, vomiting, and belching.
Humans do a
great deal with their mouths, most if it rather pointless.
My more numerous
fingers disappeared, melting into ten stronger, thicker
human fingers. My stalk eyes retracted into my head, leaving me
unable to see behind me without either
turning my head or turning my
entire body. My
front legs shriveled away, leaving me to perch precariously on
my two hind legs. Of course, humans
have only two legs, and no tail at
all. So they go through life
constantly on the verge of falling over.
My blue fur was the last to go,
replace by my own particular
shade of human skin. Human skin
comes in a variety of shades, none of
them attractive.
At least, not to me. If you are
human, you must find something
attractive about your fellow humans.
Humans who are young and restless
are almost continuously in a state
of attraction to others.
When I was fully human -- awkward,
slow, and devoid of natural
weapons -- I put on my artificial
skin. Humans call it clothing.
"I am ready," I said, making mouth
sounds. "R-r-r-ready. Red. E.
Red. E."
"How about putting on a shirt?"
Marco asked.
"The men who are young and restless
do not wear shirts. I am
young. And I am occasionally restless."
"Ax?"
"Yes, Marco?"
"Put on a shirt."
I did. Then I folded my scoop down
so that nothing, including the
TV, would be visible. Not even
to a human walking directly over the spot.
I walked with Marco out of
the woods, across the farthest fields of
Cassie's farm, and toward the mall.
It took a long time. Humans walk
slowly, a result of having only
two legs and no tail.
We crossed fields an then walked
along a street- a path for cars.
Then...
"Well,
hello, Marco. Hey Ax," someone called.
Marco stopped short and looked around, turning his entire human
head in order to see in
different directions. "Who said that?"
"Here Marco."
I turned my human head to
follow the voice. It was a truck painted
with the word FedEx. And
it was talking to us.